How to Make Your Libido Come Alive Again Through Play (As Featured on the Love Stories Podcast)
I was recently a guest on Love Stories with relationship coach Charlene Byars (Episode 104), and she told me something I loved right away: I was the first actual desire coach she'd had on the show. That means someone who puts real emphasis on play and fun.
That's exactly what we talked about for over an hour. We covered anatomy most of us were never taught, why your body needs time to warm up, and my 6 Pillars of Playfulness. If there's one thing I want you to take from it, it's this:
Desire comes alive when we feel alive. And we feel alive when we're at play.
I Wasn't Always This Open
Charlene asked if I'd always been this comfortable talking about pleasure. The answer is no. My biological father is Mormon and my mother is Catholic, so I grew up between two sides that did not talk about sex. My mom tried, but it was awkward and the information got muddled.
Most of us learned the same narrow definition: sex is penis-in-vagina, it can get you pregnant, you save it for marriage, and it's over when he's finished. But sexuality is so much bigger than that, and there's so much pleasure available outside of penetrative sex.
I live in the South, where the message is "don't talk about it, save it for marriage." The thing is, women can't just switch on the day they get married. All the shame and messaging we absorbed our whole lives comes into the marriage with us, and then we're supposed to instantly turn into a sex kitten. It doesn't happen that way. Meanwhile, our husbands were raised to believe sex is supposed to happen and they're supposed to enjoy it. No wonder they're confused.
Make the Clitoris the Star of the Show
Charlene brought up the G-spot, the idea that "real" orgasms happen deep in the vaginal canal, and asked me to set the record straight. So I gave her a different statistic:
100% of women orgasm through the clitoris.
Across the research, roughly 80–87% of women can orgasm from external clitoral stimulation alone. Research on the clitoris's internal structure suggests the "G-spot" area is actually the inner part of the clitoris. When fingers or a penis angle back toward the belly button, they're reaching the back of the clitoris, which is fully engorged when you're aroused.
"How can I orgasm through sex without stimulating the clitoris?"
Women ask me this all the time, and here's the honest answer: every orgasm involves the clitoris, even the ones that feel like they're coming from penetration alone. About 13–20% of women can orgasm from penetration alone. Studies suggest their clitoris sits closer to the vaginal opening, so penetration stimulates the back and the front of the clitoris at the same time. If that's not you, nothing is wrong with you. It's anatomy, not effort.
There are different spots, but they're all the clitoris. One is on the outside, and one is sometimes reachable from the inside. So many women walk around thinking they're broken. You're not. That's simply how we were made.
Don't Insert Anything Until You've Pitched a Tent
If you take one thing from this post, let it be this. Men aren't the only ones who pitch a tent. We do too!
At rest, the vagina has about three inches of space. When you become aroused, whether he's giving you the eyes across the room, you're ovulating, or you read, see, or think something spicy, the vagina expands about three more inches, widens, and forms a "balloon" at the end. That's called tenting, and it's how your body makes room.
The clitoris is erectile tissue, the same kind of tissue as the penis, because the clitoris and penis develop from the same tissue in utero. It can swell up to 300% when fully aroused. The part you can see might protrude or hide behind the folds, but there are about six more inches of clitoris inside your body that you can't see.
Charlene was stunned. She shared that even as a mom who'd raised kids, she had never been taught any of this. Here's why: no one is telling women how to have pleasure from their bodies. No one is telling us that inserting anything before we've tented can cause micro tears in the vaginal canal.
If Sex Isn't Fun, Why Would You Crave It?
In a long-term relationship, partners know which buttons to push, so sex becomes a routine: do this, do that, go for it. But if you're not aroused, you're actually teaching your brain that sex isn't fun for you. And if sex isn't fun, why would you crave it?
Why 7 to 20 Minutes Is Normal
Myth: Women need about 30 minutes to warm up.
Fact: For most women, it's 7 to 20 minutes.
Why such a wide range? The penis holds blood in, but the clitoris doesn't. Our blood flows in and out, over and over. You know that moment when you tell him "don't move a muscle," he moves anyway, and you have to start all over again? That's the arousal process resetting. It's all about keeping the blood at the tip, and how long that takes depends on you and your blood flow.
What Gets Your Engine Revved?
Pitching a tent starts with knowing your own body and brain. Some women are visual: he's moving furniture and you're noticing those arms. Some are verbal and light up when he tells them how beautiful and sexy they are. Some need physical touch on the body before arousal can even begin.
Many women think arousal is all or nothing, either you feel it or you don't. But most of the time, most women experience responsive desire. We need something to respond to. Spontaneous "out of nowhere" desire is the exception, not the rule.
Try This Tonight: The Memory Exercise
Text your partner and ask: "What's your favorite time we ever had together?" Then share yours, and talk about why it was your favorite. Remembering a great time together sparks the arousal process for most people. Charlene called it "really fun" and "really simple," and it is.
Get to Know Your New Body
There are seasons when your body won't respond the way it used to. Studies show a bell curve from the time you get pregnant until your baby turns one, when arousal works differently. Most couples keep trying what worked before and wonder why it isn't working now. It's because you have a new body, and no one tells us that.
The same goes for perimenopause, post menopause, a hysterectomy, a traumatic birth, or major weight loss. Your body is different, so you'll receive pleasure differently. There's nothing wrong with that. The real question is: are you exploring and loving your new body?
Medications matter too. Some can dry you out everywhere. If it dries you out up here, it dries you out down there. Those include antihistamines like Claritin, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, thyroid medications, and diabetes medications, including semaglutide. Semaglutide can cause dryness and change how the body receives pleasure. Whether it affects desire itself is still being studied. One of the most common reasons women avoid sex is pain, often from dryness.
Never stop or change a medication on your own. Talk with your doctor about other options or a lower dose, and in the meantime, a quality lubricant can make a big difference.
Sexual trauma can also change your relationship with pleasure. Sometimes it's as simple as painful sex happening over and over until your body starts receiving sex as trauma. These things need to be worked through with support. Deeper trauma work calls for a sex therapist, and I refer out for that. Everything else, we work on in coaching.
If past trauma is affecting your intimacy, you deserve support from a trauma-informed therapist. RAINN (rainn.org, 800-656-4673) is a free, confidential place to start.
Desire Begins With Play
Charlene asked the question I hear constantly: "I love my husband, but I just don't have the same desire anymore. Where do I begin?"
Hormones are always on the list, and they're the first thing to test. But it might also be that you've never experienced the pleasure you're entitled to. We were born to experience pleasure during sex. Or maybe after years of performative sex, sex that was really for him, you just don't want to do that anymore.
As women, we're taught not to play. We're taught to be responsible, carry the family obligations, and say yes to everything. Play is for irresponsible people, or for husbands, but not for us. We tell everyone else to get a hobby and take care of themselves, and then we don't take our own advice. We give and give and give.
We've gotten a little too serious. So take a second: when was the last time you felt truly playful? Maybe you were splashing in the waves, flirting, or teasing one of your kids. What gave you access to that? And if you can't remember, that's very common when you've been pouring from an empty cup.
Here's how to get it back.
The 6 Pillars of Playfulness
The 6 Pillars of Playfulness is my original framework, developed through my coaching work at NikLovin.
Pillar 1: Agency, Reclaiming Choice
As women, we often feel we have no choice: no choice but to be responsible, and no choice but to have sex out of duty. Agency means feeling like you have a choice again, and feeling like your own person, separate from being a mother, a worker, or a wife. You are a whole human being yourself, with wants and desires.
This is your pillar if you feel constantly needed, touched out, and tossed from schedule to schedule.
Try This: Take Back Your Time
Tell your partner, "I learned I need agency to feel desire. I need to feel like I have a choice." Then carve out 30 minutes to an hour a day for yourself to do whatever you want. No tasks, no folding laundry while watching Netflix, no doom scrolling. You make every decision during that time, and that's how you get your choice back.
Pillar 2: Context, Setting the Right Environment
You're cooking dinner, he comes up behind you and starts poking you, and you're thinking, not now. For some women that works. For many, it's just not the right context.
Think about the last time you truly felt aroused. Were there candles? A bath beforehand? A nice dinner? What was the environment that let playfulness happen?
Charlene shared that she feels like a different woman on vacation and wants to bring more of that energy home. That's context in action. At home, you see everything that needs to be done. In a hotel, it's not your space, so you can just be in the moment.
Find your triggers, like candles, a scent, or a clutter-free room. And get the laundry basket out of the room. You don't have to fold it. Just get it out of your sight line so you're not thinking about it the whole time.
Try This: Bring Vacation Home
Book a local hotel room for your next date night. It costs about the same as a fancy dinner, and you'll have a much better time.
Pillar 3: Permission, Affirmations for Pleasure
So many of us never learned we have a right to pleasure. This pillar is about giving yourself permission. Not your partner, and not me. You have to give yourself consent to feel pleasure and to play.
Remember senior skip day? Everybody skipped because they'd been given permission. Give yourself that same permission now:
I have permission to explore my body and feel pleasure while I do it.
I have permission to laugh and flirt when I have a to-do list.
I don't have to be so serious. It's okay.
Pillar 4: Sensation, Blood Flow, Hormones & Vasodilators
Without good blood flow to the clitoris, you won't have good sensation, and arousal gets difficult. This pillar has three parts.
Get your hormones tested, and ask about optimal, not just "normal." Your doctor may say your hormones are fine. That means you're not in danger. It doesn't mean they're what they were in your 20s, when you felt your best. The clitoris is very sensitive to estrogen and testosterone, so ask to have both checked. I love Hers for at-home testing through telehealth. They'll talk with you about optimal range. (I don't earn anything for recommending them. I just love how helpful they are.) We can feel our best our entire life, so why not?
Review your medications with your doctor if they're getting in the way of arousal.
Move your body. Exercise, especially hip openers, gets blood flowing through the hips and down.
Then check in with yourself: when you touch your body, do you feel sensation, and where?
My favorite sensation booster (besides lube): a vasodilator. It's a cream you apply in a tiny amount directly to the clitoris when you want to become aroused. There are versions for the G-spot and the penis too. It gets blood flowing into the clitoris and helps hold it there. Men have built-in "balloons" that hold blood in, and we don't. Fun fact: vibration also helps keep blood flowing to the clitoris, which is part of why vibrators work so well. Vasodilators usually use niacin, L-arginine, or menthol, and each feels different, from tingly to warming to cooling. Try a small patch first to find the one you like.
Shop vasodilators at Sexteem
(use code GOODVIBES for 15% off)
Free Resource: My Pleasure Mapping Guide
Map where you feel sensation when you touch your body, and where you don't. Find it free inside my Sexteem Coaching School.
Pillar 5: Energy, 2 PM You vs. 8 PM You
Do you have the energy for non-performative sex? If you don't have energy to play, you're not going to feel playful. Exercise and restorative self-care help.
Timing matters too. 2 PM you and 8 PM you are two different people. 2 PM you is the sex kitten, and she's ready. 8 PM you is already heading to sleep. That's normal. Testosterone tends to be highest in the morning and lower by evening, so try the morning or early afternoon. Charlene and her husband switched to mornings and she loves it, because she's awake and more open.
If your partner is at work around 2 PM, try app-controlled toys. Get one for each of you, have him take a quick break, and play from afar. I call it the 2 PM hornies, and it's one of the best ways to stay connected midweek.
Try This: Trade a Chore for Energy
Ask your partner: "I can cook dinner tonight, or I can have energy for sex tonight. Which one?" Watch how fast he orders DoorDash. The same goes for laundry.
Pillar 6: Mindset, Getting Out of Multitasking Mode
You're lying there, looking up, thinking about cleaning the ceiling fan, the soccer game, and tomorrow's to-do list, and you're not feeling a thing. We've trained ourselves to multitask. We listen to podcasts while we drive, and we cook while helping with homework. So of course we multitask in the bedroom too.
When you're disconnected from yourself, you have to build a bridge into intimacy through embodiment. Spend 30 minutes to an hour before bed doing one thing you enjoy, with no multitasking. It's hard! Everyday practices help too, like breathing exercises or truly tasting your food as you eat. Being present in small moments teaches you to be present in the bedroom.
Free Trial: My 30-Day Intimacy Challenge
Learn embodiment practices, get to know your body, and reconnect with your partner, whether you're feeling disconnected or just want to get a little spicy. Start with a 7-day free trial, then it's just $9 for the full challenge. Start your free trial
As Charlene put it, it all comes back to play.
Desire Doesn't Have to Come First
Everybody has it flipped. We think desire is supposed to come first. But when you walk into that hotel room and feel ready, something sparked it. You explored desire before you felt it. That intentional exploration is the whole game.
That Part of Your Life Isn't Over
Charlene asked about sexless marriages, even between couples who really love each other. How does the distance happen? Habit. It often starts after a baby, when we get in the habit of putting ourselves last. Our relationship with ourselves gets set aside, and once that habit forms, it's hard to undo. That's why so many women say, "I don't know who I am outside of being a mother."
Can it be turned around? Absolutely. It starts with intention, and with recognizing that this is a habit, not proof that that part of your life is over.
Step one is often non-sexual touch. Many people avoid touching their partner because they worry it means sex is expected. When they're not feeling it, they shut touch down entirely. Take sex off the table and touch without pressure or performance.
Why Your Orgasms Matter
We talk so much about our partner's desire, but ours matters too. A satisfying sex life is linked to higher confidence, more self-love, better mental health, and better heart health. It's great stress relief too, and we all know it. Orgasms involve rhythmic pelvic floor contractions, which can help support pelvic floor strength, so you're less likely to leak later in life.
A word for the men: research links regular ejaculation with better prostate health, and solo counts. It doesn't have to be with a partner. Many men carry shame around masturbation, but here's the truth: sexual health is just health.
Lube Is Like Shoes
Lubricant is number one, for every single person. Most women say lube makes sex feel better, and by reducing friction and micro tears, it helps protect delicate vaginal tissue.
Think of lube like shoes. You've got your everyday pair, your fancy pair, and your night-out pair for the marathons. For daily use, go water-based, water-based, water-based. If you're over 40 or have dry skin, look for hyaluronic acid. My pick is [PRODUCT NAME], a water-based lube with hyaluronic acid. But even if you don't shop with me, get a water-based lube. It's the best thing you can do for your vagina.
And lube isn't just for sex. I recommend it as a daily practice, including with tampons and menstrual cups.
Shop lubricant at Sexteem
(code GOODVIBES for 15% off)
Teach Our Daughters
I taught my daughters to use lube with their menstrual cups when they were teens. Even Charlene said she wished she'd known that years ago. Please teach our daughters, so the next generation grows up knowing what we had to find out on our own.
Thank You, Charlene!
Thank you, Charlene Byars, for such an open, joyful conversation. She has already invited me to her Arizona studio for round two, toys and all, so stay tuned! Follow her on Instagram at @mscharlenebyars.
Let's Keep Playing
I keep everything as affordable as possible, because pleasure education shouldn't be a luxury. The 30-Day Intimacy Challenge and my coaching are both starting at $9.
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Shop Sexteem at niklovin.com with code GOODVIBES for 15% off
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Get the free Pleasure Mapping Guide in the Sexteem Coaching School
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Follow me on Instagram at @theladynikkers or search NikLovin Desire Coach
I'll leave you the same way I left Charlene's listeners, with my favorite saying (you'll see it all over my social media):
Have a wonderful time, and happy humping!
– Nikki, Desire Coach & Sextainer